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The Archetypal Brass Band

1 Eb Soprano cornetToo loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band
1 Principal cornetConceited - uses too much vibrato
1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper"Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal
1 "Third man down"Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse
1 "Fourth man down"Like third man down, only louder and thicker
1 Repiano cornetWaiting for a chance to play principal
2 2nd cornetsHesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornetsLoud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 FlugelhornPlays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo hornUsually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor hornsCan play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead
1st BaritoneUseless player, out of tune all the time
2nd BaritoneEven worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 EuphoniumsShow-off and trainee show-off
1 1st tromboneSteam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd tromboneSloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass tromboneChainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb bassesLook like two drunken farts
2 Bb bassesSound like two drunken farts
PercussionHave lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm
ConductorSo devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good

Source: Iain Rayner - Originally from a posting by Ian McKechnie to the TPIN (the Trumpeters International Network)