How to Sing the Blues
- Most blues begin with "woke up this morning".
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town..."
- Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds.
- The blues are not about limitless choice.
- Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Not acceptable: Beemers, hot air balloons. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, as does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the blues, although they always try. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the chair if you kill a man in Memphis.
- You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Queens or Brooklyn. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota: just a depression. The best places to have the blues are still Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City.
- The following colors do not belong in the blues:
- You can't have the blues in an office or mall: the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the blues:
- The highway (the best: a crossroads)
- The jail house
- An empty bed
- Gallery openings
- Wine tastings
- A weekend in the Hamptons
- No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you are an old black man.
- Do you have a right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
- Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
- You're blind
- You shot a man in Memphis
- You can't be satisfied
- "The man" doesn't like you
- You were once blind, but now can see
- You're deaf
- Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbara Streisand (or their fans) can sing the blues.
- If you ask for water and yo baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues liquids:
Not blues beverages:
- Wine from a bottle in a sack
- Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
- Muddy water (usually not for drinking)
- Any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it
- Any kosher wine
- If it occurs in a flea bag hotel or in a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Other blues deaths: being stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, being pushed down an old mine shaft, crying yourself to death. You cannot die a blues death during a tennis match or while getting a liposuction treatment.
- Some names for blues women:
- Some blues names for men:
- Joe (including "Big", "Old" or "Blind" alone or in any combination, but not "little")
- Willie (Little Willie could work)
- Almost anything with "howlin' in front of it
Other name possibilities include physical infirmities: blind, cripple, wheezin'; fruit names: lemon, lime; names of presidents: Jefferson,Johnson, Fillmore. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Chauncey will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.