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Band Definitions

Courtesy of Dr. Wayne Dyess, Professor Of Trombone, Lamar University

  • Band - 1) a group of musicians who get together to upset the orchestra members. 2) slightly organized noise.
  • Band director - 1) person who organizes noise.
  • Assistant band director - 1) person who organizes less important noise
  • Percussion section - area of study designed as an enhancement course for students who never perfected the techniques of rhythm band in kindergarden and the first grade.
  • Percussionist - person who could not pass the Selmer test.
  • Percussion director - organizer of tribal and primitive cacophonies of sound to help cover up the noise of the band.
  • Drum major - student band director who thinks he or she is directing the band but merely moves hands in the same tempo on every song like a robot.
  • Band booster club - group of bored mothers who raise money to send the band far away.
  • Flautist - person who plays the flute. Orchestras need only three but bands seem to require about four hundred.
  • Piccolo - a more annoying flute.
  • Clarinetist - person who leaves old and broken reeds on the floor.
  • Oboe - woodwind instrument which never works.
  • Bassoonist - someone who can't count or play rhythms and is always flat.
  • Trumpeter - 1) trumpet player who, no matter how hard he or she tries, can only seem to play fortissimo. 2) someone who is constantly emptying his or her spit valve.
  • French hornist - French horn player who has to tear apart their instrument to empty his or her spit valve.
  • Tubist - person who mindlessly chose to play the biggest, heaviest and smelliest instrument.
  • Saxophonist - 1) retard. 2) big retard. 3) person who is only needed to play in loud bars where people are too drunk to know the difference, but some people feel the need the write parts for them in orchestral scores.
  • Baritone horn players - persons for whom music is written in either bass or treble clefs thus explaining the continual outpouring of wrong notes. ie. "This is in bass clef and I read treble".
  • Trombone - Musical instrument with extendible slide mechanism designed for the purpose of poking people in the butt and raising majorette's short dresses while standing at parade rest.
  • Bell lyre - Musical instrument designed for pretty girls who can't read music or march and play at the same time.