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The Character of Brass Band Personnel

MUSICAL DIRECTOR
Leaps tall bandrooms in one bound;
Is more powerful than a locomotive;
Is faster than a speeding bullet;
Walks on water; gives policy to God.

BAND CHAIRMAN
Leaps single storey bandrooms in one bound;
Is about as powerful as a locomotive;
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
Walks on water if the sea is calm;
Talks to God at set times of day.

SOLO CORNET PLAYERS
Leap small bandrooms with a running start;
Are almost as powerful as a locomotive;
Are noticeably slower than a speeding bullet;
Walk on water in an indoor swimming pool;
Talk to God if a special request is approved.

EUPHONIUM PLAYERS
Can barely clear a bicycle shed;
Always lose a tug-of-war with a locomotive;
Can fire a speeding bullet;
Swim well, and are occasionally addressed by God.

TROMBONE PLAYERS
Make high scratch marks when trying to leap bicycle sheds;
Are frequently run over by locomotives;
Can sometimes handle writing implements without injury;
Dog paddle, and talk to animals.

HORN PLAYERS
Run into bicycle sheds;
Recognise locomotives two times out of three;
Are not issued with writing implements;
Can stay afloat only with water wings, and talk to walls.

BACK ROW CORNET & FLUGEL PLAYERS
Can't remember where the bandroom is;
Say "Look at the choo-choo" when shown a locomotive;
Don't know what the other instruments are;
Think water's only use is for making beer;
Are occasionally spoken to by others.

BARITONE PLAYERS
Recognise a bandroom two times out of three;
Think a locomotive is a BBb bass;
Have no idea what a speeding bullet is;
Are revolted by the mere thought of water;
Ask "Who is God?"

BASS PLAYERS
Fall over doorstep when trying to enter bandroom;
Have on occasion tried to play a locomotive;
Should not be allowed near other instruments;
Will drown if given more than six inches of bath water;
Mumble to themselves.

PERCUSSIONISTS
Can barely read what has been written above;
Should be run down by a locomotive;
Failing that, shot by a speeding bullet;
They are the lowest form of life.

BANDMASTER
Lifts up bandrooms and walks under them;
Kicks locomotives off the tracks;
Catches speeding bullets between his teeth and eats them;
Freezes water with a single glance;
HE IS GOD.

BAND SECRETARY
Sweeps under bandrooms;
Puts locomotives back onto the tracks;
Picks up spent cartridges after bullets have been fired;
Carries the water to be frozen;
HE IS THE SON OF GOD.