BITCHERIL attitude suppressant
(di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP) brand of attitude suppressant for orchestral and ensemble musicians
325mg tablets, 500mg caplets (Bitcheril Extra-Strength), 50g/l suspension (Bitcheril I.V.) for continuous intravenous infusion. See also Alternate forms, below.
INDICATIONS: for the reduction of attitude, frustration, and generalized uppityness in orchestral and ensemble playing situations; for soothing of bruised ego; for alleviation of feelings of technical, musical, and interpretive superiority to musicians seated farther forward; for the temporary relief of professional jealousy, baton envy, and related conditions.
ACTION: temporarily deadens attitudinal receptors in the sub-primadonnal region of the left temporal lobe.
DOSAGES: (note: these are recommended guidelines, subject to increase in cases of exceptional attitude)
Children: use of Bitcheril in children is not recommended, except in the case of child prodigies, for whom extreme dosages have proven to be of some therapeutic value (see Alternate forms, below).
Violinists: 2 tablets every 3-hour rehearsal; this may be increased to 2 Extra-Strength caplets if symptoms persist.
Flautists: The recommended dosage of 5000 mg every one-half rehearsal makes oral administration impractical; generally, continuous intravenous infusion is indicated.
Lower string and woodwind players: one-half tablet every 3-hour rehearsal for every octave of tessitura above 8-ft. bass C.
Brass players: research has shown that the attitudinal receptors of brass players are immune from suppression by any means; the use of attitude-suppressant agents has proved of little or no therapeutic value in these cases.
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, confusion, decreased ability to keep track of running measure numbers; general decrease in creativity and originality; in violinists, excessive dosages have been known to cause dramatic and uncontrollable increases in alto-clef-reading ability, and a marked desire to play relatively uninteresting accompanimental figures.
Alternate forms of Bitcheril (di-tetraethyl-primadonna-bitchenhydrazine sulfate USP), for use in special situations:
(Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in pleasant-tasting, espresso-flavored liquid form) for those who experience difficulty swallowing tablets, or for surreptitious introduction into a fellow musician's cappuccino
(Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in aerosol form, for section- or orchestra-wide dispersal)
(Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in compact, Triple-Extra-Strength suppositories). Note: This is the only form proven effective for child prodigies and vocal soloists