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Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians

12 Tone ScaleThe thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
A 440The highway that runs around Nashville
Aeolian ModeHow you like Mama's cherry pie
AltosNot to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Arpeggio"Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Bach ChoraleThe place behind the barn where you keep the horses
BassThe things you run around in softball
BassoonTypical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
Big BandWhen the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Bossa NovaThe car your foreman drives
CadenzaThat ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
CelloThe proper way to answer the phone
ClarinetName for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
ClefWhat you try never to fall off of
Bass ClefWhere you wind up if you do fall off
ConductorThe man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Cut TimeParole
CymbalWhat they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Diminished FifthAn empty bottle of Jack Daniels
First InversionGrandpa's battle group at Normandy
French HornYour wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Major ScaleWhat you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
Melodic MinorLoretta Lynn's singing dad
Minor ThirdYour approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Order of SharpsWhat a wimp gets at the bar
Passing ToneFrequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Perfect FifthA full bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect PitchThe smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Pianissimo"Refill this beer bottle"
PortamentoA foreign country you've always wanted to see
Quarter ToneWhat most standard pickups can haul
Relative MajorAn uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative MinorA girlfriend
RepeatWhat you do until they just expel you
RitardThere's one in every family
SonataWhat you get from a bad cold or hay fever
StaccatoHow you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
TempoGood choice for a used car
Time SignatureWhat you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
TranspositionsMen who wear dresses
TrebleWomen ain't nothin' but
TubaA compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Whole NoteWhat's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year