Humour 
    
 
Bands Directory   |   Events   |   Products & Services   |   People   |   Organisations   |   Reference   |   About IBEW   |   Contact
 



This page was available online in the early 2000s. It's author is not known

The World Famous Finius P. Cockwinkle's Chutney Works Band
160 years of glory



Band History

The owner of the local Chutney Mine was killed in a freak incident involving a goat and a pack of woodbines. Several local musicians were asked to lead the funeral procession and to play the hymns at the service. Those musicians decided to continue their association and so the PITY ME JUBILEE TEMPERANCE BAND was born

Funeral Band 1842
Funeral Band 1842




Pity Me Jubilee Temperance Band  Late 1842


But it was a name that would not last long. Their first conductor BARNABUS QUAGMIRE realized that for the band to flourish they needed to attract more players and the ideal source was found in the shame of the orphans in the local workhouse. The gutter snipes were given a glass of water and a pickled egg each to play in the band and so the band became know as the GUTTER SNIPE WORKHOUSE BAND.

Guttersnipe Workhouse Band Circa 1845


For the next ten years or so the band continued to operate on a local level rehearsing in the workhouse and providing the orphans with a distraction from their poverty and keeping them from the evils of smoking marmite. 

But in 1857 fifteen years after his fathers death Finius P. Cockwinkle (owner of the local chutney mine) discovered that the band that played so badly at the funeral were still going and feeling obliged to assist them he purchased a new set of instruments for the band and its first mascot Boris The Dancing Cod. Boris was discovered by a worker from the mine at a traveling circus in the nearby village of Slathering Gash. All this was purchased for the extortionate price of 10 bob and a collection of old cheeses. Which was over half a year's profit from the mines. So to acknowledge this new found support the band became FINIUS P COCKWINKLE'S CHUTNEY WORKS BAND

Finius P Cockwinkles Chutney Works band Circa 1857


Little did they realize that this was to become brass bandings longest sponsorship.

The band didnít start to contest until its second conductor took the helm. They entered the North East Rutland Pig Breeders Challenge Contest in 1866. But sadly their playing wasnít the thing that stuck in people minds that day. Bobby Crush the bands G Trombone player was arrested after he killed 9 players from Maxamillian Slugworths Underwater basket Weaving Co. band. This unfortunate episode happed as Crush's bottom exploded after his 201st bottle of brown ale. The players killed were stood in the blast zone. Also 3 sets of band instruments were destroyed, the damage was estimated at 10 shillings. Crush was arrested and charged with willful disregard for bottom corsetry and carrying an offensive arse. In September of that year Judge Roderick Hardbastard found him guilty and sentenced him to 18 years with no chance of parole. So distraught at this Crush took his own life with a sponge in Boosebeck Jail in 1867.

Also the band was banned from contesting for ten years.

This heralded the start of some lean times for the band and in 1872 the band almost folded as 60% of the players were killed in the Great Haggis Plague.

But the band fought back and in 1876 BRAMWELL MISPERTON led the band back onto the contest stage Galashields Lama Groomers Invitational. With a scintillating performance of Oops Mrs. Farthing Mind your Artichokes the band were awarded last place.

The bands first contest win didnít come until 1901 at the Outer Mongolian Open. The test piece was a 3-minute classic called Slaughtering My Neighbors.


Outer Mongolian Open Champions 1901 


The impressive Outer Mongolian Cup


In 1914 due to the Great War all band activities were ceased and all the players were put to work in the chutney mine to increase output and assist with the war effort. But in 1919 the band reformed and followed a trend set by other bands at the time they embarked on a world tour originally organized as a 6-month jaunt to Australia. But 82 years later they still havenít returned. 

In 1977 Boris The Dancing Cod was replaced as the bands mascot. For two main reasons Firstly the bands manager of the time saw the way in which the merchandising success of the Star Wars film was raking in the cash and a fish just wasn't cuddly enough. Secondly Boris had died in 1872 and had become a rather unhealthy Purple colour and unbelievably stinky, some members of the band thought it was the bands prostitutes clout, but after a scientific experiment and a lot of hands on sniffing the conclusion that it was definitely Boris was reached. So Boris was given the send off he deserved after 120 years service. He was made into a fisherman's pie and eaten by Garry Nipplechips the bands Solo EEb bass player. Boris's replacement was Fergus The Chutney Ferret. An all together more cuddly option. Hence the bands nickname the Ferrets.

The Chutney Mines are flourishing and the workforce sends out new players all the time to replace players who have died whilst on tour or who have retired or settled down. 

The band is still in full tour mode and send back regular correspondence home for all its fans.




NEWS

Well the Festive Season is out of the way and the band are on the move again. New Horn section in Tow. This time its on to Uruguay. To take part in the Nazi Exile Invitational Contest. Held in the fabulous venue the Helmut Krugge Stassenhalle. This years set test is a new composition by Gromoldius Arsewrencher, the world famous Pig Penis player. Entitled Tweek My Back Eye. It is a 20 minute epic depicting the constant battle between the Good and Evil of the Badger world. The good White milking badger and the lesser known evil Gromit knawing black badger. With an extremely difficult bass trombone solo in the middle our very own Maxamillian Tearlino said " Bugger Me" and judging by the title of the piece we probably will have to.

Victory. The mighty Chutney Ferrets destroyed all opposition at the last Contest. And were awarded 1st prize by the piece's composer Gromoldius Arsewrencher. Those two deftly placed pieces of dynamite certainly did add effect to the percussion section at the end. Shame I Scarper lost the sight in one eye setting off the explosions. And Maxamillian Tearlino suffer a number total anal prolepses during his solo. Oh well nothing 3 weeks on a boat to Columbia and a croquet mallet wont sort.




Conductors

Barnabus Quagmire

Barnabus was born into a musical family. His father George was a famous Kettle player and his mother Katrina was a locally respected Blue Vein Flute player. Barnabus overcame his hideous deformities ( webbed feet, and a hunched back) to become the top Washboard player in Europe. After traveling the world as a soloist he settled in Pity Me and took the post as band conductor. He died whilst conducting the band at church fete and was buried with his wife in a coffee tin in the back garden. Much to the shock of his family as his wife wasn't dead.


Bramwell Misperton

Bramwell was born into a life of poverty and to escape the horrors of everyday life he became a Cottage cheese addict. But after a near death experience involving stampeding lemmings he cleaned his act up and realized he had a musical talent. He soon took up the cornet and became Principal Cornet with the Wolviston Apollo Pit Orchestra. After many successful years his mind turned to conducting and upon hearing of the death of Barnabus Quagmire he applied for the position of conductor with the band. And as they say the rest is history.


William P Spunkmeyer

Spunkmeyer was a famous circus lion tamer in his day but upon taking the position of band conductor he was fired by the angry circus owner but no one could get him to tell the tale of why he was sacked until many years later. It turned out that the circus owner would have been quite happy for William to do both jobs but he discovered that the lions Spunkmeyer was taming were in fact freaks of nature. They were Gerbils crossed with Mountain Lions. Although fearsome to look at the beasts were no more dangerous than a tortoise who was having a bad day. So enraged by this the circus owner sacked him. To help make ends meet William took a job in the Chutney mines but during the Great War whilst assisting with the war effort he was caught in a nasty chutney gas explosion. All his hair fell out and his teeth turned bright orange. Spunkmeyer died in 1921 in an home for injured chutney miners a broken man.


Arthur Wellytop

Arthur was born at St Vitus's Dancing hospital in1900. During his early years he became a keen inventor and patented many of his creations. His most famous being Odourless Cologne, and Elephant Testicle Crash Helmets. At the age of nineteen he became the conductor of the band and was immediately the talk of the village as he would ride to rehearsals on a Giant Velocipede that was over 10 feet tall made entirely of crushed velvet. It was his idea to take the band on a world tour. Although many believe his motive for this wasn't to give music to the masses but to escape his estranged wife who was a former German spy and master of torture.


Alex Eggboung

Alex was born into dubious surroundings as his father was a professional kleptomaniac and his mother a high up member of the Klu Klux Clan, the grand wizard to be precise. Sadly for Alex some of their deviancy rubbed off on him an he was diagnosed as having a Toilet Duck Fetish at age 8. And even up to his death would spend hours chatting with his invisible companion Mr. Chuffy.


Royston M Stifflip

Royston was born royalty. His father was an African Chief in the country of Swaziland. Upon moving to this country to study playing the Morris Minor Radiator, Royston decided that he would have to change his name in order to fit in. He was christened Umbaga Vinchenzo Lastromundo Cankerus the third. So he chose Royston M Stifflip. the M standing for Middle as after all it was his middles name. Royston was a jolly fellow and very popular with the band and they loved his party trick and he was always invited to band barbeques. His trick was the ability to urinate pure Gin. His biggest admirers were his Trombone section.


Peter G Tipps

Peter was a local boy and onetime player in the band. After his apprenticeship at Stinking Holes Fish Paste Quarry he moved job to work in the Chutney mine. After several years his talent as a conductor was noticed and he took over upon the death of Royston M Stifflip. Always a man of style he liked to spend his conducting retainer on fancy new clothes, the most memorable being a suit made up entirely of left over pieces of soap.


Lockwood Von Genchler

Lockwood was born in 1956 in Kuntz Germany and began his playing career at an early age. In 1975 he was appointed the Principal Cistern player the the world famous Berlin Toilet orchestra. He is great friends with the famous composer Otto Poopershooter who in fact wrote his Cistern Concerto In My Leopard Skin Pants for Lockwood. Upon his appointment to the band he commissioned a new piece from Otto Afghan Guinea Pigs. This has proved to be a popular piece with audiences all over the world. Lockwood has put the band on the musical map and hopes to conduct the band for many years to come.


David Talbot Buxomly Simkin James III

David joins up after our Musical Director Mr. Von Genchler saw him conduct the Wigan Ladies Jewish Nose Flute Orchestra at the marvelous Albert Hall Bolton. David is the youngest of 32 children and at the age of 6 months was put to work in the shipyards. At the age of 9 his father discovered that David had a musical talent. By age 10 this had been beaten out of him. Against his family's wishes David left the shipyards and moved to Birkenhead to study the art of Nose Flute playing under the maestro Jebadiah Cruickshank. In 1958 he became principal nose flute with the Vienna Nasal Spray Ensemble. A position he held until taking on the conductorship of the Wigan Ladies Jewish Nose Flute Orchestra.



The Chutney Band Members

Soprano Cornet - Screech Vibrato

Principal Cornet - Andrew T Bullshitter

Solo Cornets - Chip Onshoulder, Ima Blaster, I Shouldpractice

Second Cornets - Gordon Bennet, Im Bad

Third Cornets - Ifor Kitup, N Oldtimer

Flugel Horn - Blowup Love

Solo Horn - Adonis Cnut

First Horn -Brian Twate 

Second Horn - Gary Dangleberrys

First Baritone - Billy Fogghorn

Second Baritone - Harmony Crippler

Solo Euphonium - A Gobshite

Second Euphonium - M Upyerownarse

Solo Trombone - Geoff Ripper

Second Trombone - Caligular B'stard

Bass Trombone - Maxamillian Tearlino

EEb Bass - Carl Alphorn, Hugh G Organ

BBb Bass - Lord Chunkington Smyth Farquas Hufford, Jeeves

Percussion - Marcus Arnolditus Pudthumper, I Scarper



Hall of Fame

Patrick Moore 1953-1956

Patrick became associated with our percussion section when one night whilst filming sky at night on the grounds of the Chutney Mine in Pity Me, he fell into a marmite slagheap. The film crew ran to raise the alarm. The rescue officer that night was Brian Bluetit the bands bass drummer. Who after pulling Patrick from the sticky marmite convinced him that signing for the band on Xylophone would be a good career move. Far More illustrious than poncing around talking about Gas Giants and Solar Flares. ( Although he would spend his time with the band stood behind the Bass Section Avoiding their Gaseous emissions ). Patrick agreed and stayed with the band for three years until a nasty incident with a local lady of the night a tub of Swarfega and a oversized croquette mallet.


Hilary Briss 1975-1981

Hilary was Pity Me's master butcher and played Bass Trombone for the band. A generous man he would always bring the most wonderfully tasty sandwiches with him on band excursions and gladly pass them round the lads. After meeting Mrs. Briss he moved south to a place called Royston Vasey and set up shop there. But his whereabouts are now sadly not know. Hilary if you are you there the lads would love some of those sandwiches.


Lord Chunkington Smyth Farquas Hufford 1992- Present

Lord Hufford is the Laird of the Glen and part owner of the Chutney Mine although the Cockwinkle's still own the other half. Lord Chunk as he is affectionately know in the band is our resident BBb soloist and regularly entertains out audiences with not only classic playing of fiendishly difficult bass solo's but his ramblings about his fathers massive collection of ornamental torture racks and pomfrets. A favorite with the lads he is always willing to whip his cock out at any time and have intimate relations with anything that comes to hand. Normally his favorite jar of kidneys.


Barbara Woodhouse 1968 - 1972

Although not strictly a brass playing member of the band. Barbara was crucial in the day to day operation of the band. In a strictly morale boosting capacity. Barbara was the bands Principal concubine. She was an internationally famous Pink Oboe player and was engaged by the bands tour manager Eric Custardflicker after a chance encounter round the back of the Abuja Kings Dancehall in Muskrat Falls Cambodia. Eric was so taken with Barbara's deft skill the the Pink Oboe she was hired immediately. A very domineering character Barbara enjoyed entertaining the lads with dog collars and leads, after half an hour with Barb the lads were set for the week ahead. Thanks Barbara.




Picture Gallery



Band Promotion Shot for Uzbekistan Leg Of World Tour Conductor on this occasion was a local man
dragged in off streets as real conductor Royston M Stifflip was trapped in the toilet


1866. Band playing at the North East Rutland Pig Breeders Contest.
Just before Bobby Crush's arse blew out.


Band pictured in Venezuela in 1969. Boy in front is Manuel Velasquez winner of his country's
version of Jim'll Fix It. His wish was to meet the Mighty Chutney Band


Band Auditions circa 1925


The bands new uniforms didn't go down to well with the lads in 1956


The band in full flight at the 1961 Afghanistan Open


The haul of trophies won by the band in 1963. Large one at the back is for shiniest instrument on stage.
Arthur Blenkinsop won it for his shiny drum sticks


Band pictured in 1925 in Greenback Alabama USA. Seen here with band prostitutes
Fanny Crackhammer and Mildred Twistyface


All that was left of the mighty Maxamillian Slugworths Underwater Basket
Weaving Co. Band after Bobby Crush's arse incident