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Band Players as Food Items

by Phil Davison, Battle Town Band


  • Conductor - A lump of cheddar = The big cheese.
  • Soprano - Jar of coffee = Gets you a bit high.
  • Principal Cornet - Jam = Everyone has some in their cupboard (rather like skeletons, but let's leave that until we have time to put some photos on the site), it's generally considered as a good thing, but often over-used and too much makes you sick.
  • Solo Cornets - Seasonings = Makes all the difference between a piece tasting good, bad, or indifferent.
  • Repiano Cornet - A rabbit = Small and cute, likely to make grown men go "aaahhhh", doesn't make much noise (unless attacked by foxes). Well, in our band anyway; don't moan to us if your Rep player isn't cute.
  • Second & Third Cornets - Various root vegetables = Occasionally having a strong taste at just the wrong time, it is often hard work to pull these out of the ground.
  • Flugel Horn - A shot of Grouse Whiskey = Nice and mellow, yet useful in medical emergencies (at the time we had an ambulance-person on Flugel; I freely accept that this is not necessarily a Flugel-player characteristic...).
  • Tenor Horns - Chickens = A nice flavour (if a little bland), but likely to make more noise when they're talking than when they are actually playing.
  • Baritones - Lard = A rather misunderstood and maltreated food, these are actually rather important in any piece that involves frying.
  • Euphoniums - Beef = The backbone of nearly every meal, they provide a good textured main meat, but very occasionally will be responsible for some unpleasant prion damage. *Euphoniums shortly to be available on-the-bone once again*
  • Trombones - Curry = At the right strength, or with a good beer, no problem. However, if too strong, it's hard to miss that flavour.
  • Basses - Goldfish = You don't want to eat them, but that three-second memory-span and the fact that their mouths are always glomping open and shut make you wish someone would.
  • Kit Man Dennis - "K" lager = After a few cans of this, you'll notice that everything is "swinging".
  • Martin Percussion Boys- Rhubarb & Custard = One is plainly better, but you'll always find one following the other.