Brass Band Excuses
(Originally collected by the Oughtibridge Band)
- I had one hard one and one soft one and was trying to get them both the same (percussionist on why he had missed an entry).
- I got locked in School (she is a teacher)
- A fly landed on my music, and I played it. (Traditional)
- I forgot about the band job, I was washing my smalls
- I was practicing it last night and left it at home.
- I couldn't see the conductor - he's vertically challenged
- Which figure 5 are we going from, I've got two of them.
- I had the wrong glasses on.
- I can't play piano, I holding a cornet!
- Hilary had the wrong glasses on.
- I thought 2/4 meant you only play half of the music.
- PP does that mean Pretty Powerful. (Traditional)
- My part must be wrong. (I mean the music!)
- I can't play in 6th position, the horn players are in the way.
- My part says with cheese, not with spirit ("Con Brio")
- I'm playing Westminster Waltz, what is everyone else playing?
- The conductor waved his stick at me so I waved back.
- I oiled my valve and its moving too fast.
- I was concentrating too hard and it put me off.
- I thought forte meant play it 40 times.
- We were out of time because the basses were playing
- We were out of time because the basses weren't playing
- I forgot my instrument
- I missed the drum and hit my hand.
- How can you double tongue - I only have one tongue.
- I'm concentrating too hard to think of an excuse.
- David stole the excuse book so we can't write any more.
- Sorry, I was making out with the piccolo.
- Sorry, I was making out with the trombonist.
- Sorry, I was watching the piccolo and trombone make out.
- I was distracted by the horn player's magazine... (Reaches over and holds up HOOTers magazine)
- My finger got caught in my spit valve...(Happens ALL the time...)
- I REALLY don't feel like playing this, why don't we play the marching band piece?
- IT SAYS IN 4!!! Wait, no, that's the next measure...
- I can't play that low, can I take it up?
- ''Have you practised that part at home, John? ''No, it upsets the dog!
- My dog ate my music
- Look mate, I'll start playing as soon as I get the bloomin' music.
- I can't play two notes at the same time (the other trombonist was sick).
- Ah, we have lost all five trumpets.
- I get shouted at when I play the piccolo (I'm the only one with earplugs and the rest of the band get jealous).
- I was playing from A, where were you? Ah, five of A - new bandmaster.
- Sorry I was explaining the offside rule / LBW rule to the tuba.
- Sorry, I was tapping then - we've got a budding composer, thinks he's the next Cage.
- Who wrote this part? That's a fifth out of range.
- Sorry, I was still reading bass clef, what am I supposed to be in?
- You're conducting the wrong music - it took him about half a page to work this out worryingly.
- Sorry I brought the wrong instrument - who can get an E and a B flat clarinet mixed up?
- Sorry, wrong band.